When I was a child, I used to talk as a child, think as a child, reason as a child; when I became a man, I put aside childish things. (1 Corinthians 13: 11)
Spiritual maturity is akin to physical maturity. Parents don’t put their baby down for a nap only to return to find him dressed and ready for college. Instead parents spend countless hours waiting for first smiles, first teeth, and first steps. With each developmental milestone met, parents rejoice and prepare for their child’s next stage. Christian maturity develops along a similar path. It takes time, education, practice, and patience. All children are born with the desire for God. The Creator places this desire on every human heart. This desire, if not fostered, can be forgotten or rejected. Christian parents then, as their children’s spiritual educators, have to help their children recognize this desire and grow into mature Christians. For children to develop spiritual maturity, parents should be aware that their children’s moral reasoning ability develops in stages. Aside from Bible stories, one of the ways Christian parents initiate this process is by teaching their children about sin. In spite of what many Christian parents think, sin is a complicated concept. In simple terms, though, sin is an offense against God—love of one’s self over God. Children, of course, are not immediately able to understand this concept and therefore need direction from their parents. Christian parents have to teach their children what sin is, what constitutes sinful behavior, and how to make moral choices. In other words, Christian parents need to guide their children through the moral reasoning process.
Most parents know that infants have very limited reasoning ability. In fact, an infant is entirely incapable of understanding the moral implications of his actions. At this stage, he only desires the attention and affection of his parents. Parents learn quickly how to achieve desired behavior from their child, either through rewarding or scolding. Why is this response important for Christian parents to understand? Because infants are unable to identify sinful behavior, they are not capable of choosing to do good and avoiding sin. When an infant bites someone, for example, she is merely being curious, not intentionally hurtful. If the child repeats this behavior, she is not being rebellious or disobedient. Consistent scolding from the parents will usually convince the infant to stop biting, but nothing can help the child at the stage of infancy to understand how her behavior causes the suffering of others. Moral judgments from the parents regarding the child’s behavior can only affect how the child views herself, and God, at a later stage. Christian parents should take heart and be patient. This period is short lived. As the children go through this stage, with appropriate guidance they will learn which behavior is acceptable and which should be avoided. This lays the foundation for their later understanding of virtue and vice.
As infants grow into toddlers, they begin to learn the difference between good and bad behavior. The “terrible two’s”, as some parents call this stage, can be particularly difficult. Many parents struggle with appropriate discipline at this time, for fear they may be too harsh when correcting their children’s behavior. In most cases, though, children at this age will avoid bad behavior precisely because they fear their parent’s punishment. Christian parents can manage this transition simply by understanding their toddler’s moral development. Toddlers can understand clearly that certain actions make Jesus happy and others make Jesus sad. But they have a problem understanding why a particular action is unacceptable or sinful. In fact, Christian parents may spend an entire day answering the question, “But why?” Mild disobedience at this age is normal and, once again, Christian parents should refrain from making moral judgments. More often than not, toddlers are merely testing boundaries by pushing their parents’ limits. A toddler is perfectly capable of understanding that living room walls are not coloring books. Yet, when his parents are otherwise involved, that same toddler may draw circles in various shades of red. His disobedience, of course, involves no malice; he may be frustrated, bored, angry, or headstrong. While punishment in some form will correct the behavior, Christian parents should consider why their toddlers are misbehaving and address the cause of such conduct. Christian parents often become frustrated during this trying age. With any amount of consistency, though, parents will see their little ones are able to gain some control over their actions and learn to practice some self-restraint.
Pre-school age children can be delightful. They are fairly capable of following directions and they love to imitate behavior. At this age, parents are often able to convince their children to do most anything, simply by offering them a reward. While parents may find this encouraging, they should recognize that pre-school age children still have a very primitive level of moral reasoning. Christian parents may actually be confused with their children’s behavior. Children of this age enjoy stories about Jesus, angels, or other religious material. They can even be encouraged to act in ways that are pleasing to God—as long as their parent’s define what pleases God. Because of their reasoning ability, preschoolers act primarily out of self interest and seldom act out of a strong desire to do good things. What are the implications for Christian parents? Proceed with caution. Children of this age tend to behave in ways that they believe their parents or friends may like. “Potty mouth” is a common occurrence in this age group, even among Christians. The child may repeat words she has heard from a parent, a grandparent, or a sibling, without consideration that it is offensive. Christian parents may struggle with helping her understand that a word is bad even if grandma says it. For this reason, parents ought to address sinful behavior with caution. This isn’t the time, however, for parents to become complacent. Children in this stage of reasoning need strong Christian role models and guidance.
By the time children are school aged, they have a bit more autonomy. They are able to perform daily tasks and chores without much supervision. Many parents appreciate this stage of their child’s life because they become interested in activities outside the home. The parents soon discover that their children are focused on rules and justice. Children at this age all seem to have the same complaint—“That’s not fair!” They want nothing more than to be nice and for others to reciprocate. Christian parents may be particularly pleased with their children during this period. The children are quite capable of identifying sinful behavior. At the same time, they are able to comprehend deeper Christian principles, such as the need for salvation. While these young people may seem to have mastered their sinful nature and tamed their wills, parents should be aware of one critical fact. Children of this age may only follow the rules or act appropriately when they believe they might be caught disobeying or punished. For example, a school-aged boy might take his friend’s bike if he sees it unoccupied. When confronted, the boy may even lie about his involvement for fear of being labeled a “meanie.” This type of behavior can seem troubling to Christian parents. The children seem to be blatantly disobedient and plotting to hide their sins. At this stage parents have to be careful to address these issues swiftly and firmly, but also with gentleness. Christian parents have every right to expect their school aged children to control their behavior. With practice and encouragement, the children will even do so when no one is watching.
As young children mature into teenagers, parents often experience great anxiety. Many parents even dread to hear the word—adolescent. Adolescence leaves the parents with a new set of fears associated with driving, dating, and preparing their children to leave home. Many parents wonder if their children will actually be able to manage the responsibilities of the adult world. But as these young people become adults, they can begin to develop a more mature level or moral reasoning. While they have the capacity to make moral decisions simply because they are right, they are also be able to recognize how their behavior affects other people. For example, today’s teenager knows that smoking is dangerous. He should be able to avoid smoking, even if he has some involvement with acquaintances who smoke. Christian parents should expect their teenagers to be conscious of their behavior, to be aware of whether it is sinful and has consequences for themselves or others. Christian parents should avoid the impulse to be overprotective during this age. Instead they should find comfort in allowing their children to practice putting their faith into action.
Parenting children to this level of Christian maturity is a daunting task. But consider the alternative. While a few Christian parents may get away with hovering over their children into young adulthood, the vast majority of these parents will experience rebellion, especially in adolescence. In terms of their children’s developing faith, this parental over-involvement eventually results in a distancing from church attendance and from God. The opposite approach is also detrimental. Parents who give too much leeway give their children too little credit. They do not challenge their children to grow in their relationship with Christ. Eventually, the result of this approach is their children having a lackadaisical belief and a non-obligatory attitude about religion. Rather than either of these approaches, it is possible for Christian parents to enter into a dialogue with their children, starting from infancy, in which the children are accepted for where they are at their particular age, but also encouraged to reach beyond to the next developmental stage. In this way, young adults from Christian families can develop into strong, principled, and independent Christian adults. Isn’t that what all Christian parents really want?
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