The Ins and Outs of Potty Training

My desire to post about potty training stems from several posts of a friend on Facebook. My friend was frustrated with her three-year-old boy who liked the idea of big-boy underwear, but didn’t seem to grasp the concept that going to the potty went along with the new BVDs. One of her friends posted something about learning “the ins and outs of potty training,” which started a string of thoughts and ideas and feelings that I wanted to express.

But my comments were both too lengthy and too serious for a venue like Facebook. So, I discussed my ideas with dear wife, who reviews my posts as I review hers. She immediately questioned, “What’s potty training have to do with Christianity?”

I knew she was going to ask that! She never lets me get away with anything! But, like a wily teenager, I had anticipated her question. “Didn’t you read somewhere recently that the average age of potty training has shifted younger since the 1950’s? That parents used to potty train at around age 3-4, but now it’s more like 1-2?” I asked.

“Yeah,” she responded.

“Do you think you could find that reference?” I queried.

“I might,” she replied, then paused a moment and continued, “But that still doesn’t answer what potty-training has to do with Christianity?”

Sounding like a Bush cabinet member, I replied, “Traditional Christian values.” That was a fair response, though cliché.

She reluctantly conceded, then pressed: “But how does potty training relate to raising Christian children?”

My second response was even shakier. Sounding like a Freudian, I said, “The first time most kids learn about discipline is during potty training. Potty training sets the tone for any further education on self-discipline, morals, and values.” I waited for the loud thunderclap that seems to follow any time I express a flash of psychological theory into our conversations.

“It’s a stretch,” she said. “Write it if you must.”

But my thoughts on the subject of potty training were quite complicated. I kept thinking about an essay by philosopher Martin Heidegger, “The Question Concerning Technology,” in which Heidegger argued that we moderns see everything in terms of technology. With this manner of thinking in mind, the “ins and outs” of potty training became, to me, an industrial or even computer metaphor for raising one’s children. What goes into the machine/computer/child thus has a direct impact on what comes out. Control the raw materials/data/nutrition that goes in and one can control the output. This, of course, is a rather explicit interpretation of the phrase, “ins and outs.” Generally, the phrase can also mean developing a deeper understanding of the subject such as “knowing the subject inside and out.” In either case, whether one’s understanding is explicit or general, Heidegger’s observation can be aptly applied to the subject of potty training. For many modern parents, teaching their children to use the toilet is a problem to be solved. Potty training becomes a science that requires carefully administered techniques and interventions. These modern parents may even buy a book instructing them on how to potty train.

I should note here that it may seem odd to refer to an atheistic philosopher in a blog on Christian parenting. In defense of Heidegger, though, I would say that the German atheist provided an inroad to understanding Christianity in so far and Christianity is essentially an ancient practice. Heidegger understood the difference between how moderns think and how ancients thought. Heidegger can be instructive because, in many respects, for a modern person to become a Christian is a project of learning to think like an ancient person. Specifically, this means thinking about one’s children not in technological terms, but in terms of love and character. To the modern way of thinking, children are like clay that needs to be shaped, molded, and formed. To an ancient manner of thought, children are like acorns that will grow into the people the Creator made them to be.

This distinction can be quite apparent when it comes to potty training. A modern way of looking at toilet training is that the children, like domestic pets, require parental involvement to develop the ability to control their bladder and bowels. A more ancient way of looking at the subject is to recognize that children—as human beings, distinct from the animal kingdom—will naturally develop the ability to control their digestive output as a process of reasoning and natural inclination. Granted, even to the ancients, the children may require some degree of parental discipline or instruction, but overall the process occurs as a development of their essential nature. The most important aspect of potty training to parents who think like ancients is staying out of the way and waiting for the child to be ready.

Of course, most contemporary parents have the added complication of daycare when it comes to potty training. Parents may have the patience to wait for the 3-year-old boy to come around and develop control, but their daycare provider is likely to become weary of an untrained toddler. For this reason, parents and providers have striven to train toddlers at younger and younger ages. They create eating schedules and potty schedules, all in an attempt to gain control of the child’s bladder and bowels. They can be quite successful. But, to me, it often seems more like the parents are the ones being trained and the children would merely resort to their own inclinations in the absence of the routine and structure.

Since I first wanted to write about this topic several weeks ago, dear wife and I have had several conversations on this topic, and she has realized there was actually more to the topic than appeared at first. The insights about potty training also apply to a variety of modern trends in parenting, from early reading and math instruction to no child left behind. Modern society has forgotten that children are a blessing from God-- that each child is unique, and that parents should learn to appreciate each child’s God-given proclivities. Parenting is more than any science or art form; parenting is an act of love and an expression of character.

P.S. The actual history of potty training is complex and uncertain, having multiple influencing factors and mostly anecdotal evidence. Nonetheless, it seems to me that the scientific approach to potty training is uniquely modern and potentially dehumanizing.